Best engine

Submitted by Jermaine

A notable gynecologist once said:
"The best engine in the world is the Vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking tempermental..!"

The nude chair

LMAO

Sex facts

## The record number of male (human) orgasms in an hour is 16.

## Males, on average, think about sex every 7 seconds.

## For every "normal" web page, there are five porn pages.

## The word "gymnasium" comes from the Greek word gymnazein which means "to exercise naked."

## Sex burns 360 calories per hour.

## Humans, bonobo monkeys, and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

## The penalty for mazturbating in Indonesia is decapitation.

## 85% of men who die of heartattacks during intercourse, are found to have been cheating on their wives.

## In India it is cheaper to have sex with a prostitute than buy a condom. (to my indian readers, is this true?)

10 Reasons you should find a Friend with Benefits

1. You don't have to buy flowers, teddy bears, diner etc... The only thing you have to buy is a box of condoms.

2. You don't have to lie about everything. That will definitely make you a better person.

3. You can flirt with whoever or whatever you want. There will be no bad consequences.

4. The "break-ups" are tears-free and very easy. A text message or an e-mail will to the job.

5. You don't have to listen to the meltdowns or handle the interminable mood changing.

6. The sex is always good with no strings attached. You don't even have to cuddle or make a morning breakfast.

7. You can spend all the time you want boozing or acting stupid with your friends.

8. No need to report all your activities, no more 5 hours talking on the phone, no more lame excuses to hang out with the friends etc...

9. You don't have to be sentimental, sensitive or caring. Anyways we all know that was FAKE.

10. No commitment at all. No more plans for the next 50 years. Why would you spend your time planning for your late days or grand kids when you can enjoy your present?

Sleeping Naked

Personnally I find it very uncomfortable almost a nightmare. I've conducted a little survey among my friends, family and coworkers and ALL of them love sleeping naked sometimes or they actually sleep naked every night.
Am I the exception???

Here are few YAYs and NAYs about sleeping naked.
Yays:
++ Can be very comfortable
++ Can lead to intercourse when there is someone else in your bed.
++ You don't have to take off any clothes for your morning bath.
Nays
++ Can be very uncomfortable
++ You can accidently hurt the boys or the girls
++ You are more likely to catch a cold or to be bitten by an insect

Do you sleep naked?
Why or why not?

The perfect day

PERFECT DAY FOR A WOMAN

8:15
Wake up to hugs and kisses.

8:30
Weigh 5lbs. lighter than yesterday

8:45
Breakfast in bed, squeezed
orange juice and croissants

9:15
Soothing hot bath with
fragrant lilac bath oil

10:00
Light workout at club with
handsome, funny personal trainer.

10:30
Facial , manicure, shampoo, and comb out.

12:00
Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.

12:45
Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs.

1:00
Shopping with friends.

3:00
Nap.

4:00
A dozen roses delivered by florist.
Card is from a secret admirer.

4:15
Light workout at club followed
by a gentle massage.

5:30
Pick outfit for dinner.
Primp before mirror.

7:30
Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.

10:00
Hot shower. Alone.

10:30
Make love.

11:00
Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

11:15
Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

A PERFECT DAY FOR A MAN

6:00
Alarm.

6:15
Blowjob.

6:30
Massive dump while
reading the sports section.

7:00
Breakfast. Filet Mignon,
eggs, toast and tea.

7:30
Limo arrives.

7:45
Bloody Mary en route to airport

8:15
Private jet to Augusta Georgia.

9:30
Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.

9:45
Play front nine at Augusta ,
finish 2 under par.

11:30 Blowjob

11:45
Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on
the half shell. 3 Heinekens.

12:15
Blowjob.

12:30
Play back nine at Augusta ,
finish 4 under par.

2:15
Limo back to airport.
Drink 2 Bombay martinis.

2:20
Blowjob

2:30
Private jet to Nassau , Bahamas .
Nap.

3:15
Late afternoon fishing
excursion with topless female crew.

4:15
Blowjob

4:30
Catch world record light
tackle marlin - 1249 lbs.

5:00
Jet back home. En route,
get massage from naked supermodel.

7:00
Watch Sportscenter.

7:30
Dinner Lobster appetizers,
1963 Dom Perignon,20oz. New York strip.

9:00
Relax after dinner with 1789
Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.

10:00
Have sex with two
18 year old nymphomaniacs.

11:00
Massage and Jacuzzi.

11:45 Go to bed.

11:46
One last blowjob

11:59
Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart.
Watch the dog leave the room.

12:00
Laugh yourself to sleep

A chinese girl at a disco bar

A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive looking Chinese girl.

She appears to be all over him and soon asks him back to her place "for a coffee".

When they get to her flat she tells him to help himself to a drink while she slips into something more comfortable....

Just as he finishes getting the drink the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligee.

"I am your sex slave!" she says, "I will do absolutely ANYTHING you want"

Well the man is taken a little bit by surprise and can't believe his luck so he says: "I really fancy a 69"

"F**k Off" replies the girl, "I'm not cooking at this time of night."

How to impress

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her,
respect her,
honour her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
hold her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.


HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked.
Bring food.

Oh My God!

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

10 Husbands but still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Things not to sex during sex (part 3)

Is this a sin too?

You can cook too, right?

Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names

I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

I've slept with more women than Gene Simmons!

Long kisses clog my sinuses...

How long do you plan to be "almost there"?


Click here for part1 & part2

Things not to say during sex (part 2)

Click here for part 1.

1- I want a baby!
2- my cat always sleeps on that pillow
3- Have you ever considered liposuction?
4- I have a confession...
5- Did I mention my transsexual operation?
6- I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
7- And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
8- Does this count as a date?
9- When would you like to meet my parents?

Bonus: Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

Things not to say during sex

Everybody looks funny naked!

Did I mention the video camera?

Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

(in the Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

When is this supposed to feel good?

I wish we got the Playboy channel...

Did I tell you my Aunt Jane died in this bed?

No, really... I do this part better myself!

This would be more fun with a few more people...

You're almost as good as my ex!

Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

You look younger than you feel

Perhaps you're just out of practice

Naughty table

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'

Spicing up the sex life

Three women, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing. The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'

The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'

How to make Love

One of my friends sent my this one.

Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes, 4 Well-shaped legs, 4 Loving arms, 2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts, 1 Fur-lined mixing bowl, 1 Firm banana

Directions:

• Look into laughing eyes.
• Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
• Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
• Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
• As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
• The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:

• If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
• Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
• If cake rises, leave town.

hmm helpful?? :)

Why should we have sex?

Sex burns calories
30 minutes of sex burns 90 calories and if you have sex at an average of three times a week, you will loose 5 pounds a year. And it can help to maintain your abs too.

Sex boosts your immune system
Our brain directly impacts our immune system and according to doctors people with reghular orgasms are less stressed, less depressed and more well physically, mentally and emotionally.

Sex relieves pain
It is said that orgasm is one of the best natural narcotic and that will works with others chemical substances in your body to help relieve the pain

Sex decreases aging
Sex releases our "happy" chemicals and will help build new muscles and bones while putting a youthful glow on your face.

Sex is great for depression
“The release from orgasm does much to calm people. It helps with sleep, and that is whether we talk about solo sex or sex with a partner,” says Jennifer Bass, the head of information services at the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction in Bloomington, Ind., in a recent MSNBC article.

Condoms Slogans

List of some condoms slogans. It is HILARIOUS.

• Don't be silly, protect your Willie
• You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
• If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
• Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
• Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
• House that bottle then mash her throttle
• Wrap your rail then fill her pail
• Cover Billy then make her silly
• Before you tap it, wrap it
• Don't trust Jesus cover your penis
• Dress him up before you mess her up
• Before you bang cover your wang
• No shirt, no flirt!
• Before you make a disaster put the safety on your blaster

Click here for more!