A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party . So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.
Well he thinks for a while and says: let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better".
The salesman asks "how do you want me to put it?"
The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and "You are getting better" at the bottom.
The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:
"You are not getting older at the top, You are getting better at the bottom".
***
A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife :
"I wish you were here." The message received by wife:
"I wish you were her."
Do you remember the Eggs, well this is what happenned to them when they tried to escape. So saaad :(
To realize
The value of a sister
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.
To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.
To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.
To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.
To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.
To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother
who has given birth to
A premature baby.
To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize
The value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to Meet.
To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.
To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident...
To! realize
The value of one millisecond:
As k the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics
To realize the value of a friend:
Lose one.
The origin of this letter is unknown,
The value of a sister
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.
To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.
To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.
To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.
To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.
To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother
who has given birth to
A premature baby.
To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize
The value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to Meet.
To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.
To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident...
To! realize
The value of one millisecond:
As k the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics
To realize the value of a friend:
Lose one.
The origin of this letter is unknown,
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "
The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.
" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"
But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "
The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.
" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"
- If you want something done, do it yourself
- Never procrastinate anything you can do right now
- When you have several things you could be doing and don't know which to do: Just do any one of them!
- Always assume that you will succeed
- If you cannot do anything about something, there is no point in worrying about it.
- Don't try to explain away your actions for yourself
- Listen to your intuition, but do not believe it unconditionally
Stressed is Desserts spelled backwards.
A bee can smell with its knees.
A bee can smell with its knees.
Forty percent of Americans iron their clothes while wearing their underwear or being completely naked.
Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots
You are approximately two inches taller when you wake up than when you go to sleep.
The brain continues to live for 37 hours after death
Your ear can hold up to 9 pounds (4 kg) before it’s ripped of.
Prince Charles and Prince William never travel on the same airplane in case there is a crash.
Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots
You are approximately two inches taller when you wake up than when you go to sleep.
The brain continues to live for 37 hours after death
Your ear can hold up to 9 pounds (4 kg) before it’s ripped of.
Prince Charles and Prince William never travel on the same airplane in case there is a crash.
For Dima
- We got off the Titanic first.
- Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
- We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
- Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
- Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
- We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
- We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
- New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
- We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
- We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
- We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
- If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
- We have the ability to dress ourselves.
- We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
- Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
- There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
- We'll never regret piercing our ears.
- We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
- We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions
Complaining is good for you as long as you're not complaining to the person you're complaining about.
by Lynn Johnston
Man spends his life in reasoning on the past, in complaining of the present, in fearing future.
by Antoine Rivarol
Man alone is born crying, lives complaining, and dies disappointed.
by Samuel Johnson
by Lynn Johnston
Man spends his life in reasoning on the past, in complaining of the present, in fearing future.
by Antoine Rivarol
Man alone is born crying, lives complaining, and dies disappointed.
by Samuel Johnson
Old but still funny
Why do doctors leave the room when you get undressed? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are dead?
Why does lemonade have artificial flavoring but dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why can't women put on their mascara with their eyes closed?
Why do banks charge a fee for "non-sufficient funds" when they know you don't have enough money?
Why isn't anything in Wal-Mart free yet, if they're lowering prices every day?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath is in the bottle, the bubbles are always white?
Why do they call it a building when it's already built?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat has materialized?
Why aren't there father-in-law jokes?
Why do doctors leave the room when you get undressed? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are dead?
Why does lemonade have artificial flavoring but dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why can't women put on their mascara with their eyes closed?
Why do banks charge a fee for "non-sufficient funds" when they know you don't have enough money?
Why isn't anything in Wal-Mart free yet, if they're lowering prices every day?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath is in the bottle, the bubbles are always white?
Why do they call it a building when it's already built?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat has materialized?
Why aren't there father-in-law jokes?
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France , gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia , lost some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past mistakes, still very strong and proud.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia , very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled.
After 70, she becomes Tibet . Off the beaten path, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...still desirable but only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love, dare visit there.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France , gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia , lost some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past mistakes, still very strong and proud.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia , very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled.
After 70, she becomes Tibet . Off the beaten path, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...still desirable but only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love, dare visit there.
- The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
- The only other word with the same amount of letters is its plural: pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosesl.
- The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
- The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.”
She is warm enough to cover me from getting chilly
She is cool enough to hide me from the heat
She is sharp enough to teach me lessons that I must learn
She is soft enough to never make me bleed
She is poor enough to remind me to appreciate everything
She is luxurious enough to always make my life shiny
By W.F. and Lazyking
Submitted by my sister :)
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever is available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be: Do you have a car that runs?
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy woman super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
.....he was hired!
Cindy McCain was in her front yard watering her red roses when John McCain came out of the house and rushed straight to the mailbox, opened it, looked in,then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
As Cindy was getting ready to prune the red roses, John came back out to the mailbox, opened it again, felt all the way to the back, and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her husband's actions Cindy asked him, Is something wrong honey?
To which he replied, There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL.
As Cindy was getting ready to prune the red roses, John came back out to the mailbox, opened it again, felt all the way to the back, and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her husband's actions Cindy asked him, Is something wrong honey?
To which he replied, There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL.
- Smile shows friendship
- Smile makes new friends
- Smile makes other people's day brighter
- Smile improves your day
- Smile looks better than a frown
- Smile puts others at ease
- Smile always enjoyable to give and receive
- Smile leaves favorable impressions
- Smile makes you look happy, confident, and self-assured
- Smile could be the start of a lifetime relationship!
Question 1
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she goes for an abortion
Question 2
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates.
Candidate A.
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologers. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.
Which of these candidates would be your choice?
Responses on comments!
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